Meet Six Needs and Bond for Life

Relationships make for a happy, fulfilling life or a miserable existence. So, why didn't our parents sit us down early on and teach us to do relationships well? If you think about their relationships, the answer might be painfully obvious.

There are few people doing relationships well. Some avoid the ugliness by repressing what's felt, controlling what's expressed and avoiding confrontation. Others live in an ongoing power struggle.

How can we be one of the few who enjoy fruitful and satisfying relationships — at home, work, the health club, everywhere?

One of the first things we have to do is give up the knee-jerk reaction to blame somebody else for our existing relationships. You decide how to respond to whatever is thrown at you; and in doing so, you determine to a large extent both the nature and the quality of your relationships. And I'm going to remember writing these words the next time I'm challenged!

Maybe your grandmother is a fault-finding bitter old woman, but that doesn't have to stop you from loving her well. Look beneath the tough exterior to see her unmet needs.

We all have six basic needs that are the "secret buttons" for triggering feelings of love, connection and gratitude, says Cloe Madanes, author of "Relationship Breakthrough."

1) Certainty/Comfort: We want to feel safe, avoid pain and feel comfortable in our environment and our relationships.

2) Variety/Uncertainty: Variety and challenges exercise our bodies and minds. All of us need some form of variety in life through new people, hobbies and pastimes.

3) Significance: Every person needs to feel important, needed and wanted.

4) Love/Connection: We all need to connect with other human beings and strive for love.

5) Growth: We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.

6) Contribution: A life is incomplete without the sense that we are going beyond our own needs and giving to others and a larger cause.

You might be thinking there's no way you can meet all those needs for your grandmother.


You don't have to, though. According to Madanes, when you meet two of the six needs of someone else, you have a connection. If you satisfy four of their needs, you have a strong attachment. If you satisfy all six of their human needs, the person is permanently bonded to you!

I'm not convinced that you can satisfy all of somebody else's needs, but you can certainly help. And by trying, you make a splendid attempt at loving them well.

Start with an awareness of your own needs and how you're trying to meet them. Madanes says that these profound needs motivate every choice we make. Without a conscious awareness of that, though, we could and do spin our wheels for a very long time. You don't want to grow into a fault-finding bitter old woman, but neither did your grandmother.

You want to live a happy, meaningful life and help others to do the same. When you have fulfilling relationships, you're automatically helping others … and they, in turn, are helping others. And perhaps, someday parents everywhere will sit their children down early on and teach them how to do relationships well.

We all choose hundreds of times a day to meet our needs — and those of others — or deny them. Meeting them means choosing to accept people rather than judging them; choosing to be forthright rather than deceptive; choosing to be responsible rather than defensive; choosing to be happy rather than right; choosing to be balanced rather than busy; to have faith rather than doubt; to see what makes us the same rather than dwelling on differences; and choosing to dance to our own music rather than somebody else's.

You might keep Madanes' list handy to check your progress because relationships really do make or take your life … and you get to choose.

Soulmate or Booty Call

While OnlineBootyCall.com just celebrated 3 million members, eHarmony can claim that 236 members marry every day as a result of being matched on the site.

Some connect based on physical needs (yes, that would be the booty call folks), others based on a long list of compatibility questions. There's another group, though, those who connect as soulmates based on something less tangible!

Sound like a far-off fantasy?

According to one survey (1,003 Americans, age 20-29, for the Rutgers University's National Marriage Project) 94 percent want a soulmate for a spouse "first and foremost." And 87 percent of those believe they'll find a soulmate when they're ready to marry. Granted, hope soars high when we're young and not ready yet.

As we get older, our optimism can, for good reason, fade; but finding a soulmate isn't based on reason. You don't have to bet on the odds or the soulmate calculator that uses the latest data from the U.S. Census and the National Center for Health Statistics to calculate the number of singles you'd have to meet to find your soulmate.

Had I entered a preferred height in that calculator, I would not have found my soulmate. He's an inch taller than the maximum 6'2" I would have requested; and I suspect I stand a bit short of the height he would have specified! We don't know what a soulmate might look like … but by the time we're really ready for one, we know it doesn't matter.

Therein lies the challenge, getting ready is work (that we fear won't pay off). Many would rather play the lottery and take their chances on meeting the one. Others would settle for compatibility or merely commitment; others, knowing they're not ready for more, would answer a booty call.

But Arielle Ford, author of "The Soulmate Secret," wants me to tell you that a soulmate is a real option for you . "Big love is possible for any one of any age if you are willing to become a magnet for love," she says.


"Continue to live each day in the knowingness that you are in a loving, committed relationship as you savor the waiting for your beloved to arrive."

Sounds beautiful, right? But not easy … what does it even mean?

Ford says her book will show you how to take control of your romantic destiny by using the law of attraction. And she brought her own soulmate into her life at age 44. They were engaged three weeks later.

If you still dream of finding a partner who will know you and love you down to the core, you haven't really given up … and I believe you can nurture your hope into faith, for what you truly want, instead of what you have now.

"The ancient formula," says Ford, "Reveals that our universe is set up to deliver the people and things into our lives that are consistent with our personal belief system."

That means that whatever love you can believe for is on its way. It's easier to believe for what you know you're ready for. So, ask yourself what you have to do to prepare for your soulmate. If he or she were to ring the doorbell right now, what would you want to do before you answered it?

Not sure? Check out the techniques, rituals, and projects in "The Soulmate Secret" intended to help you prepare your home, body, mind and spirit for the love your heart truly desires.

Don't let what has kept you from love in the past keep you from it in the future. Learn from the past, and forgive it; don't live in it. Let go of the fear that kept you from believing for more. It grew from the mother of all fears that somehow you didn't have what it took. You do!

Let go of that one lie, and you can embrace a new belief system to manifest your foremost fantasy.

Jan Denise is a columnist, author of the just released "Innately Good: Dispelling the Myth That You're Not" and "Naked Relationships," speaker and consultant based in McIntosh, Fla.

Fire and Desire

Wow... As you all know I have been looking for my soul mate, my life partner, my man. I am aggressively working this. Well I met this wonderful, fine man name Max, and after a couple of dates he is still wonderful. I have to confess that after I finally gave up the hope of being with my 11 year itch I was concerned that I might not be able to find someone I mean I am 4o ish.

Max is a total answer to pray, he is everything on my soul mate list, have you made your soul mate list? http://www.ehow.com/how_5091857_soulmate-using-list.html. So much has happen after our first date, this man has taken me out to dinner & dancing,we have gone to the gym together( he has a personal trainer & I just do the classes) but I have to tell you that when I see him working out I have feelings that I have not had in a loooooong time, when I see the sweat over his brow I have bad, bad thoughts, Ok I am back:)

But our last date was this weekend, we went to Jazz in the park Wonderful Max picked me up about 5 pm, he was dressed in a very nice fitting pair of jeans and he had on a pink striped dressed shirt smelling good and looking even better, he flashes that smile and I melt, truly.

I have on a belted shirt dress by dkny, sandals and I had my hair pulled back in a high ponytail. Yes I was Fly.

Max's opens the doors all the doors, he walks beside me , he holds my hand, he kisses me, he introduces me to his friends. He is a true gentleman sometimes I am not sure how to act. I am so enjoying someone enjoying me just as I am valuing me for who I am. I love that he listens to what I have to say and that he just looks at me with that look, yall know that look. Fire and desire.

I am enjoying this.

Chow for now.